why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize