So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
