I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
God I need to hump something, right now.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
