i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
