I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
