I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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