i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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