just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
