Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
