its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
