We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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