don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
is wine microwaveable?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
