I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
