Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Is Oprah even human
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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