God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
wrigley field is MILF paradise
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
