He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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