I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I don't deserve a penis
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
