She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
