I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
