why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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