I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize