i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My vagina just recognized that song.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
