So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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