i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
