Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
