The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
