A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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