I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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