Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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