My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
