im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
