Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
