I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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