Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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