It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
