got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I could fuck to npr.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
