remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
