so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
