So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Who did Billy Mays play for?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
