Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
