i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
