No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
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