I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
