Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
How's work?
Spinning.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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