tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
