The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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