Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
