Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Randomize
