you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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