whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
