He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
