I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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