It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
