I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
