I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
