I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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